The college basketball season is a few days away from starting. On Friday a full slate of games will begin, with ESPN‘s marathon of hoops kicking off shortly after, all of which will start the season off with a bang. It will also be buried under the wasteland that is football. Not that there’s anything wrong with men literally ruining their bodies for our entertainment, yet I do wish we would pay a little more attention in the realm of shooty hoops when the season starts. Every game, especially if your program is not an annual world-beater, means something at the end of the day. I mean, this isn’t Major League Baseball or anything.
With the season quickly approaching there are going to be many bandwagon supporters of the sport. I wrestle with which one is worst: ambassadors of the sport who turn a blind eye to anything possibly wrong with it, or those who ignore it for 10-ish months of the year, then pretend they like it when the season starts, disappear a week later, finally culminating with their “undying love” of the sport showing again come March. There should be some sort of survey one must take which rates your college basketball love.
Example: Do you love crowds?
- A) Yes
- B) No
- C) Lobsters
If you answered “A”, then you are a true college basketball fan. You are also admitting you like a sport as much for the atmosphere as you do the quality of the play on the court — as the latter isn’t nearly the same quality as the NBA’s, but accepting it never will be only makes one enjoy the sport. If you answered “No”, well, you are probably a communist. Anyone who answered “Lobsters” is certainly reading the right column. Honestly, A Column of Enchantment is your go to source for lobster news, opinion, and insight.
That does bring us to the age-old question; Who wins in a fight between a lobster and a unicorn? I’ve discussed this at length — for some unknown reason — in the past. My odds on favorite to win is the lobster. For one, he’s an actual real thing. Plus he has claws while a unicorn only has a horn on its head. That unicorn would have to bend all the way down to even attempt to attack the lobster. By the time he would get down there, though, the lobster would be munching at those unicorn ankles, making the unicorn’s attempts at battle fruitless.
Victory is within the lobster, my friends. Tell me otherwise.
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Donald Trump went on Saturday Night Live over the weekend. Many were upset with this. Apparently some felt that it gave Trump an unfair edge come election time. I suppose those people didn’t end up watching the disaster of a show which took place, though. To be fair to Trump — gross, I know — he wasn’t the issue. He was decent-to-solid on the show, which is as much as you can ask from a person who isn’t an actor, singer or entertainer by trade. It was the rest of the show. My goodness has SNL become a dumpster fire.
Forget about Trump for a minute, because who honestly gives a flying unicorn tongue? SNL‘s issue is in the fact that they focus on the wrong talents. We (all) complain about the roster every single season. Like clockwork, really. However, the issue isn’t that the talent stinks. It is that Pete Davidson isn’t in nearly enough sketches, Keenan Thompson is in far too many (I still like him, but not in the same two roles in which he varies), and that there’s little consistency in who they believe are their best performers.
The women have been the bright spot for a while now. There are some men who don’t find women funny for whatever reason, which will forever put SNL — and their largest demo — at odds. They shouldn’t back down from continuing to showcase the women, either, though. It has been weird, given how the show has traditionally done a similar thing with a less talented female cast as if it was meant to appease and not showcase, that the women on the show are often grouped together in longer sketches instead of giving them more time individually, while it being spread out over the show. One would think they would prefer to spread the talent across a long show, over the many far too long sketches, but what in a lobster toe do I know?
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Does anyone else watch Good Luck Chuck? Are all preteen shows abominations to the senses like this? I ask because my oldest daughter is seven, yet we somehow got magically stuck watching this show a few times. Not only do they stereotype characters, which I suppose is not all that shocking, but it isn’t geared for the audience I think they think it is intended to.
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St. John’s lost to what I have been told is NOT a fictional university in an exhibition last week. They lost by a lot of points. The Johnnies are my favorite team. So that stinks. They’re only returning five percent of their minutes from last season, which is the lowest in the nation. Liberty and Boston College round out the bottom in that area, though those two are in the teens. The teens? Could Chuck be a nickname for Chris (Mullin)? Yeah? No? I don’t care what you think. Good Luck Chuck (Mullin)!
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The Ben Simmons hype train is picking up steam (again). Not that it ever truly ended. It just so happens that hype trains are at full steam when first started (recruiting process), then not again until it is time to board at the station (start of the season). While none of that makes sense — why the fudge would a train pick up full steam when it is time to pick up passengers — you get the point… right? Unfortunately for Simmons, this puts him in the inevitable position to fail. Not like honest to goodness fail, but at some point during his freshman year he will struggle and writers (me?) will question if any of the hype was deserved. In advance, I say let’s not do that.
We would need something to talk about to take its place, though. Good thing I am here to provide you with an alternative talking point. For what it is worth, which as always isn’t much, whenever Simmons does end up struggling let’s do college basketball-American Horror Story crossover fan fiction. Would the Vincent Price rip-off character from AHS be a good point guard? Can Coach K hide that he is a vampire from Lady Gaga during his stay at the hotel? What is a Kathy Bates and what has she done with James Caan?
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Speaking of shows; is Glenn alive? Seriously, Robert Kirkman, I invest my life into your undead apocalypse and you are going to make me wait… or send off Glenn in a really non-firework fashion? Here is the dilly, yo: I love The Walking Dead with all my cold, bitter, and somewhat scrambled heart. The idea that there are actual consequences for one’s actions during a show (looking at you, SVU… oh, we are going to get to you) is something network TV avoids like the plague. That said, I need some gosh slam closure even though I admit that I “get” the idea that Maggie would probably never know for “a fact” that Glenn died… but I AM NOT LOBSTER LOVING MAGGIE. I am a picture-box consumer. Glenn is my favorite character. Give me time to mourn, Kirkman!
That is honestly a very minor complaint. I’m not even mad about it. I do get it — or whatever. I simply wanted to talk about The Walking Dead for a second, because….
Law & Order: SVU is wretched. Benson, among others, should have been either in the pokey, fired, dead, immobile by way of mental stress, etc., one-trillion times by now. Seriously, Detective Benson has the absolute worst fictional life ever, has broken the law more times as an officer than Ted Bundy did in real life, and abuses her powers more than the NCAA, yet she continues on? In my humble opinion, it is all unicorn poop.
I still watch the show, though. That’s only because I’m an idiot. Also, I stick around dying for them to do one of two things — either of which will make me do a 180 on my opinion on the show. One; bring back Stabler. Two; Vincent D’Onofrio reprises his character from Criminal Intent. Seriously, as all the cool kids know — and outside the first 12-ish years of the original Law & Order — Law & Order: Criminal Intent is the best Dick Wolf production.
(I need to reevaluate my life)
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Do mailmen have feelings? Like, obviously they do, and I know a few who are definitely humans — but do they feel like you or I? My mailman seems like a nice enough guy, someone who has ESPN radio on blast as he delivers bills which I can’t pay on time to my mailbox, but what does he think about during his 13-hour shifts? That is a long day of walking around by your lonesome with only ESPN radio personalities to keep you company. Seriously, think about it for a minute.
Imagine a world where your day starts with G-rated Mike & Mike. Golic screams “shut up” at random; Greenberg has takes that mostly hinge from not staying up past 6:00 PM on a work night; and the mailman listens. The good news for the mailman, though, is that ESPN becomes really good after this. You have the incredibly different and fun Dan Le Batard show, followed by Russillo (I can do without Danny, to be honest), then our mailman finishes the brisk destruction of our bank accounts by way of delivering papered-bad news with The Right Time with Bomani Jones.
The spectrum of opinions, personality, and types of coverage is mind-boggling. My mailman probably starts the day thinking the New York Jets are great, then finishes it wanting to help humans to get things by way of learning, advocacy, and providing help to those who need it. My mailman is the best.
Eh, I digress. Basketball… kind of.