Rush The Court

Here we go again with yet another rushing the court debate. We have had it so many times before that I have lost count on whether this debate has gone full Gary Busey or has taken a detour down the road of who actually gives a flying elbow. Personally, I don’t understand the arguments against it — sans safety concerns. I literally giggle whenever a man in his 60s talks about a kid in his late teens or early twenties recognizing whatever school’s history, tradition or proper court-storming etiquette should be, as if the the student actually cares about any of that and isn’t there to just have a good time.

But that isn’t what bothers me. No, sir. I am a selfish person. Your opinion of having teams forfeit games because of fans is stupid. I mean, do you want actors punished for fans’ actions too? How about punishing you for the things that your unborn offspring do? “God slammit, Johnny! Your wife’s womb is shaking and it is making my chair not as comfortable. Banish her!” (End scene) I can honestly give two-poops about your opinion as far as kids rushing the court are concerned. I got bigger fish to fry.

So, let’s go.

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Remember when I said I was selfish? Good, because I am. With that being said, let me get back to my only concern — sans safety (because that is a legitimate one) — with the rushing the court debate. I happen to write the best column called A Column of Enchantment anywhere on the Interwebs. I happen to write such a column on a wonderful, sexy and insightful website called Rush the Court. As the main-man-in-charge of making my stuff relatively readable on that website has pointed out, this can lead to some extreme changes.

For the love of everything holy and independent college basketball sites, Batman! If the fun-police or whoever win, what does that mean for Rush the Court? Would it be forced to shut down? Would Randy have to change the name of the site to something more appropriate to the changing of the times? Is www.Lightlytappingacrossthehardwood(dot)com still available on GoDaddy? That might mean I would be forced to change the name of my column too. How enchanting could they really be if it didn’t mean there wouldn’t be the slightest chance of young people rushing right through it in a fit of drunken rage? Somehow I don’t think A Column of Appropriate Discourse is as appealing to my dozens and dozens of loyal readers.

I can’t believe we have reached this critical breaking point in this whole storming of the court debate. Not only do old people want young people to think rationally, but it will force national treasures like Rush The Court to change the way they do business. I for one cannot allow that to happen. So, in a direct response because selfish, I officially take this stance: I will donate all the money this column makes me and then multiply that number by every share it gets on the Interwebs to a fake organization set to keep the storming going.

Inside jokes are the best.

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We have also reached the peak bubble talk portion of the college basketball season. When coaches’ job securities rest in the hands of people in a room making brackets. That brings us all the way back to the age-old question, one which I have asked very often but no one ever seems to answer: Who exactly blew bubbles? In all seriousness, though, the next few days will be incredibly important for multiple programs. So too will their respective conference tournaments, but let’s all ignore that because we’d much rather talk about the Club State Pool Cleaners being in a must-win game on Saturday rather than acknowledge that even if they lose they can overcome that loss just a few days later. Urgency, apparently, is not only important to bubble talk, but gosh slam vital!

When certain bubbles do either burst or continue floating around later in the month it will provide us all with some closure. No, not about whatever horrible team you decided to align yourself with, but with the possible closing chapter of my Steve Lavin work of fiction. I will openly admit that I am a St. John’s fan, yet I will also acknowledge that — continuing on my selfish ways — the Johnnies losing does me more good than bad. I mean, who actually wants to read a happy ending to that story? Speaking of happy endings, friends, there are a ton of other things that are better with tragic, sad or horrific endings than happy ones. It is why The Rockers splitting after HBK hurled Marty through a barber shop window altered the landscape of the world forever. It is also why your children’s fairy tales are far better when it is the darker, scarier variety. I mean, I don’t want to tell you how to raise your kids, even though I am about to, but my favorite version of Snow White is when she is forced to move out west and work in the porn industry. And trust me, Snow White has a much different meaning in that production.

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Dancing With The Stars has gotten a lot of free pub this week via the sports world. Again, because selfish is my only good attribute, I honestly don’t care why a football player would want to do this. I root for him to succeed in life because I root for all people to do well (I’m a humanist, so f-you). It really doesn’t matter to me if he is good at the football or the dancing or anything else. If he’s happy, then I’m happy, because the world is better when we are happy — except when there’s a sad ending because that’s actually better, as noted above. Regardless of Michael Samm’s motive, this story has gotten me thinking about what would be the greatest cast of Dancing With The Stars if its sole purpose was just to entertain me. I have no idea how many people they cast each year or anything like that, but I am just going to guess it is like 12 people. Now that I took a completely uneducated guess at that, let’s take a look at what 12 people would need to be cast to make me watch the show on the regular.

1. Christina Ricci
2. Katie Holmes
3. Alexis Bledel
4. Marty Jannetty
5. Christian Slater
6. Giovanni Ribisi
7. Anthony Mackie
8. Fred Hoiberg
9. Rachel Leigh Cook
10. Jake (not Gary) Busey
11. Casper Van Dien
12. Ernie Hudson

Okay, let me explain my choices because I know you won’t be able to sleep without knowing.

• Ricci, Holmes, Bledel and Cook. This is clearly for reasons of my own joy. You know those lists you make up with your spouses about famous people you can cheat on them with? Well, I was allowed to make a list if eight and instead of picking eight different women I just wrote these four women’s names down twice. I like them all, for slightly different reasons, and I do not giving a reverse German suplex who knows it.
• Ribisi and Mackie. I really like these two as actors. That is about it. Any movie they are in, no matter how critically panned, I will watch. Even the bad ones, which is never actually their fault, are good because of the scenes they are in.
• Slater. He is my favorite actor ever. Once pinned as being the next Jack Nicholson, things haven’t exactly worked out him, but his work in Pump Up The Volume, Kuffs, The Contender (who am I kidding, I LOVE THEM ALL) will forever hold a special spot in my heart. Also, and not a soul can tell me any different, I truly believe that he will eventually get a career revival if someone gives him a chance to actually care about the movie he is going to be in. I imagine it is pretty hard to get excited to play in direct-to-on-demand movies. Plus, his DVD extras commentary in Hallow Man 2 is the stuff of legend.
• Van Dien. I really, really like Starship Troopers.
• Marty Jannetty. Read this and you will understand.
• Hudson. The always forgotten about Ghostbuster, which is my favorite movie of all-time. We aren’t even mentioning his work in The Substitute or Oz or Congo (CONGO!). People are always lamenting for another Ghostbusters movie with the original cast and everyone always seems concerned over Bill Murray, but the movie would not have been the same if Hudson wasn’t there to play the “what in the actual hell are these guys doing” role. Playing the “straight” role in a good comedy is a tough gig. While Murray, Ramis and Uncle Dan were all — deservedly — getting praise big daddy Ern was over there just chilling. With Ramis unfortunately passing away, I guess most of that doesn’t matter.
• Fred Hoiberg. Because this is a college basketball column and I’m pretty sure I’d leave my wife to be with him.
• Jake Busey. I’ve used his father to help rate my scale of insanity over my writing career, but Jake is no slouch either. I enjoyed him in Starship Troopers, Identity and he even managed to steal an episode of Justified by being blown up because he wasn’t that smart. Really, the Busey family is an American treasure and it is up to Jake to carry the family legacy until his offspring goes on to make Asylum produced movies of their own.

Eh, I digress. Basketball — kind of.