Rush The Court

Dividing the players in the ACC by the educational institution they attend is a pretty logical way to set up teams. However, dividing teams by the thematic properties of the players’ names also seems like a strong and totally appropriate way to set up teams. Here are some examples of how that breakdown might work.

The All-Initial Team

• P.J. Hairston
• C.J. Harris
• K.J. McDaniels
• C.J. Leslie
• T.J. Warren

Off the bench: C.J. Barksdale, KC Caudill, J.P. Tokoto, T.J. Sapp

Last year, the ACC was one C.J. short of an all-C.J. starting five, but the departure of C.J. Williams put an end to that dream. Instead, we get a team that is rich in forwards and “J’s.” As a an actual team, their lack of ball-handling would be somewhat problematic, but there is little doubt that this team would be able to score and rebound. Just about all the initialed players in the ACC are solid rotation players. If Harris and Hairston get hot from the arc, this team could really run up the score as long as they could get someone to bring the ball up. Also, someone should probably tell KC Caudill that he isn’t allowed to use any initials unless one of them is a “J.”

The All-Prismatic Team

• Lorenzo Brown
• Erick Green
• Robert Brown
• Rion Brown
• Okaro White

Granted, this team isn’t actually all that colorful unless you get really creative with your hues of brown, but the one advantage this team has over some of the others is how good this team would be. Sure, a little undersized down low, but this side of Seth Curry, this is an incredible backcourt. Add in the scoring punch of the two other Browns and the post experience of White and you have a very interesting team.

The All-First-Name Team

• Marcus Patrick
• Aaron Thomas
• Seth Allen
• Ryan Kelly
• Joel James

The backcourt players aren’t nearly as famous as the two frontcourt players, but this team has the potential to be decent. Depending on what you think counts as a first name, this team could be even better. C.J. Leslie is a potential candidate for this team, but the initialed first name feels like cheating. There is another ambiguous situation with Mike Tobey; sure “Toby” is a common first name but how many people spell it “Tobey” when it isn’t a family name? Montay Brandon probably comes off the bench, but the listed five seemed like unambiguous choices.

The All-Canterbury Tales Team

• Quinn Cook
• Ian Miller
• Chase Cannon
• Bishop Daniels
• Daniel Miller

Off the bench: Codi Miller-McIntyre

This team is loaded with some excellent guards and one true big man in Daniel Miller. Sure I took some liberties including Bishop Daniels (bishops are the one church official that don’t get a tale). I also probably went overboard with the Millers. Yet if you remember any of the Tales clearly, it’s probably the Miller’s Tale.

The All-Sentence Team

• Chase Fischer
• Carson Fields
• Staats Battle
• Spencer Barks
• Marshall Wood

As a basketball-playing unit, these five don’t exactly fit together all that well and some of the “sentences” are barely coherent, but if you can hear or see the name “Spencer Barks” and not think of a guy named Spencer barking like a dog than you aren’t me.

The All-Presidential Team

• Damarcus Harrison
• Lonnie Jackson
• Robert Carter
• Reggie Johnson
• Andre Washington

Off the bench: Brice Johnson, Amile Jefferson

What an impressive big man rotation! Sure you have a lot of silly fouls, but you also have a lot of size and talent in that loaded frontcourt. Lonnie Jackson also brings some legitimate guard skills to the mix.

The All-Alliteration Team

• Tyler Thornton
• Steven Sorenson
• Chase Cannon
• Kenny Kadji
• Joel James

Off the Bench: Boris Bojanovsky

It’s fair to argue that Tyler Thornton and Chase Cannon don’t really belong on this list, because their names aren’t truly alliterative. Still, if we use the “same-letter” criterion, we come up with a fairly decent five-man unit. The offense of this team is centered around Kenny Kadji while Tyler Thornton and Joel James anchor a tough, physical defense.

The All-Two-Syllable Team

• Rod Hall
• Quinn Cook
• Nick Faust
• Scott Wood
• Josh Smith

If things had turned out differently, Joel James could have been on this team as well. As it is, the team includes four starting-caliber perimeter players. This team has the potential to spread the floor on offense and let loose a devastating perimeter attack, which is probably necessary for a team that will really struggle defensively

The All-Probably-An-Alias Team

• Chase Cannon
• Joey Racer
• Bishop Daniels
• Erik Swoope
• Julian Gamble

Every one of these players sounds like they are the main character in a mid-century pulp adventure novel. As a basketball team, I have my doubts about these five. But, if they were responsible for orchestrating a jewel heist, I think this group might just have be able to pull it off.