CBS Sports made an ambitious attempt earlier this month at ranking the top 100 players in college basketball, a fun but mostly impossible task good for heated debate and preseason discussion. At the risk of seeming unoriginal, it gave us the bright idea at this microsite to attempt something similar — a top 100 list of Big 12 players, which essentially spans almost every single player on all 10 rosters. Before you proceed, please understand this list is simply for fun. It’s not intended to be taken completely seriously, but it’s supposed to offer a guideline for the talent in this league from top to bottom. Direct all complaints to Danny Spewak (@dspewak), the genius who decided to write this. I’m looking forward to the criticism.
1. Pierre Jackson, Baylor (PG): The preseason Big 12 Player of the Year was, inexplicably, not a unanimous choice on the all-conference team, which is almost as bizarre as his coach not starting him until Big 12 play a year ago.
2. Jeff Withey, Kansas (C): Considered replacing Jeff Withey with FakeJeffWithey at this spot because the latter has more Twitter followers.
3. Rodney McGruder, Kansas State (G): If he ever finds himself nostalgic for a Frank Martin tirade, at least he’ll have this to look forward to during his senior year.
4. Myck Kabongo, Texas (PG): Had his family not chosen to mis-spell his first name, he’d probably be number one on the list.
5. Marcus Smart, Oklahoma State (G): I’ve never seen him play, but I’ve read more than enough sappy articles about his intangibles to know he’s a Smart pick in the top five.
6. Le’Bryan Nash, Oklahoma State (G): Travis Ford just read the past two selections and had a heart attack.
7. Isaiah Austin, Baylor (C): Unlike the Kabongos, the Austin family spelled its son’s first name correctly, something Isiah Thomas cannot brag about.
8. Sam Grooms, Oklahoma (PG): Averaged more assists per game than Pierre Jackson, but since he doesn’t score much, he’s obviously a bad basketball player.
9. Aaric Murray, West Virginia (C): It won’t get you cool points to know he’s a good player now because he doesn’t play for La Salle anymore.
10. Will Clyburn, Iowa State (F): Everybody wants him to be Royce White, but he doesn’t have a Mohawk, so that really won’t work.
11. Rico Gathers, Baylor (F): The mere thought of lifting weights with this guy scares me.
12. Ben McLemore, Kansas (G): His Rivals.com profile has as many stars (4) as the IKU constellation (I had to Google that).
13. Jordan Henriquez, Kansas State (C): Averaged about two-and-a-half blocks per game, but he should play with a handicap because of his 7’6’’ wingspan.
14. Elijah Johnson, Kansas (G): His first name is not mis-spelled, it’s just cool.
15. Steven Pledger, Oklahoma (G): He scores the basketball.
16. Juwan Staten, West Virginia (PG): They say his nickname is “Blur,” which could either be a really good or really bad thing.
17. Jordan Tolbert, Texas Tech (F): He told ESPN he wouldn’t have returned if the school retained Billy Gillispie, which would have thinned the Red Raiders’ roster to two managers, a waterboy and the kid who wipes the floor of the arena during TV timeouts.
18. Perry Ellis, Kansas (F): He’s actually from Kansas, so jokes about how boring it is to drive through his state will have absolutely no effect on him.
19. Brady Heslip, Baylor (G): He just made seven more three-pointers while you read this list.
20. Cameron Ridley, Texas (C): A stud Texas frosh not from Canada. Wow.
21. Markel Brown, Oklahoma State (G): Led the Big 12 last year in embarrassing Missouri with his dunking ability.
22. Sheldon McClellan, Texas (G): Perhaps the least-known leading returning scorer for his team in college basketball.
23. Amath M’Baye, Oklahoma (F): Lon Kruger just learned how to say the Wyoming transfer’s name yesterday.
24. Deniz Kilicli, West Virginia (F): He shaved his beard, a heinous offense resulting in a significant drop in the rankings.
25. Melvin Ejim, Iowa State (F): If Fred Hoiberg is The Mayor, then the underappreciated Melvin Ejim should be nicknamed The City Clerk.
26. Travis Releford, Kansas (G): He thinks he’s better than his brother.
27. Korie Lucious, Iowa State (G): For once, Hoiberg will lean on a guy who’s not a giant forward with a Mohawk to handle the basketball and run the offense.
28. Andrew Fitzgerald, Oklahoma (F): Potentially a distant relative of F. Scott Fitzgerald, but also probably not.
29. JP Olukemi, Oklahoma State (G/F): Hearing he vertical-jumped an 84 with a torn ACL last year, a few inches higher than Chuck Norris.
30. Angel Rodriguez, Kansas State (G): If one more person compares him to Denis Clemente, Frank Martin will shoot you all the way from South Carolina.
31. Romero Osby, Oklahoma (F): He’s already married, which means he’s already accomplished more than most video game-playing college kids do in four years.
32. Prince Ibeh, Texas (C): Would need to change his first name if he played baseball in Detroit.
33. Chris Babb, Iowa State (G): He’s just glad he’s not at Penn State anymore.
34. Jabarie Hinds, West Virginia (G): Like the rest of the sophomores on this team, expect Hinds to make a big leap now that he presumably doesn’t have to eat freshman dorm food anymore.
35. Cameron Clark, Oklahoma (G): That guy you know is awesome but can’t quite say it yet.
36. Jaye Crockett, Texas Tech (F): Played very well near the end of Big 12 play in 2011-12, which, according to the Law of Unknowledgeable Pre-Season Basketball Writers, means he’ll have a breakout junior season.
37. Will Spradling, Kansas State (G): Bob Knight’s favorite player should only get better this year.
38. Kyan Anderson, TCU (PG): Won the Mountain West Freshman of the Year award in 2011-12, but can he retroactively apply for the Big 12 Freshman of the Year award as well?
39. Brian Williams, Oklahoma State (G): The third-most famous Brian Williams in the United States behind 1) the news anchor and 2) “Smash” from Friday Night Lights.
40. Rio Adams, Kansas (G): He’ll rain threes because he’s from Seattle.
41. Cory Jefferson, Baylor (F): The 298th player during the Scott Drew era to play forward and have a really long wingspan.
42. Garlon Green, TCU (F): I like alliterations, so I like Garlon Green.
43. Jamari Traylor, Kansas (F): He’s that guy you hate to play against at the rec center because he tries really hard and makes you actually run and block him out.
44. Naadir Tharpe, Kansas (PG): Still finding his way in this program, but it’d be a really nice gesture if Bill Self would stop recruiting so many All-Americans to play in front of him.
45. Michael Cobbins, Oklahoma State (F): The answer to that impossible trivia question, “Who led Oklahoma State in rebounding a year ago?”
46. Julien Lewis, Texas (G): He plays because he is good at defense.
47. Buddy Hield, Oklahoma (G): Anybody named Buddy is a friend of mine.
48. Phil Forte, Oklahoma State (G): He’s apparently attached at the hip to high school teammate Marcus Smart, even though Siamese twins may or may not be legal according to the NCAA.
49. Jonathan Holmes, Texas (F): Jeez, there are more freshmen and sophomores on this Texas team than a college frat party.
50. Matt Humphrey, West Virginia (G): The graduate school loophole is a wonderful thing for this Boston College transfer.
51. Josh Gray, Texas Tech (PG): The freshman considered signing with Kansas State, but Bruce Weber’s phone died, so he had to go to Texas Tech.
52. A.J. Walton, Baylor (G): He’s the reason Pierre Jackson didn’t start for the first half of the season, but hey, his team lost only one game during his reign.
53. Tyrus McGee, Iowa State (G): He’s no Christopherson, but he can shoot the trey.
54. J’Mison Morgan, Baylor (C): He’s big.
55. Martavious Irving, Kansas State (G): He used to live in Fort Lauderdale and unbelievably decided to leave the beach for Kansas State.
56. Gary Browne, West Virginia (G): A native of Puerto Rico, the land of adding the letter “e” to the end of common names.
57. Thomas Gipson, Kansas State (F): The big guy played better at the beginning of his freshman year than the end, which defies all logic and questions the very meaning of the universe.
58. L.J. Rose, Baylor (G): He has a big smile.
59. Kevin Young, Kansas (F): Bo Kimble and Loyola Marymount are still mad this guy left them for Kansas.
60. Deuce Bello, Baylor (G): Number 60 on this list, number one on SportsCenter’s Top Ten for his dunks.
61. Keaton Miles, West Virginia (F): A solid role player, sure, but he has bigger things in mind as a sophomore.
62. Ty Nurse, Texas Tech (G): I bet his ancestors worked in the health industry.
63. Aaron Brown, West Virginia (G): He’s the kind of big, physical guard Bob Huggins dreams about in his sleep.
64. Je’lon Hornbeak, Oklahoma (G): Known as a “pure scorer,” whatever that really means.
65. Bubu Palo, Iowa State (G): No one-liner here, not with a pending sexual abuse charge. On the court, though, a very good back-up point guard.
66. Andrew White, Kansas (G): Another freshman? Really, Bill?
67. Devonta Abron, TCU (F): The most-celebrated six-point-per-game transfer in NCAA history.
68. Gary Franklin, Baylor (G): A favorite of mine after appearing in the book Play Their Hearts Out.
69. Amric Fields, TCU (F): Scored a career-high 26 against Chicago State as a freshman in 2010-11 in protest of the fact that Chicago is not a state.
70. Georges Niang, Iowa State (F): Is the extra “s” really necessary?
71. Percy Gibson, Iowa State (C): We’ve been waiting for you, Percy.
72. Justin Wesley, Kansas (F): He’s not Wilt Chamberlain, but he plays one on TV.
73. Omari Lawrence, Kansas State (G): Bruce Weber loves this kid, so you might as well too.
74. Adrian Diaz, Kansas State (F): His name doesn’t lend itself to a witty joke.
75. Shane Southwell, Kansas State (G): Unlike McGruder, The Fist Speech doesn’t fire up Shane.
76. Jaylen Bond, Texas (F): If he played full minutes, he’d put up Dennis Rodman-numbers in the rebounding department. Right?
77. Kevin Noreen, West Virginia (F): He has a Wikipedia page, meaning he is famous.
78. Nino Williams, Kansas State (F): He doesn’t care what Bruce Weber says in the locker room, as long as he gets to play a little more this year.
79. Tyler Neal, Oklahoma (F): He went to high school with Amric Fields. Who’s the coach gonna root for?
80. Daylen Robinson, Texas Tech (G): Man, they need point guards in Lubbock.
81. Javan Felix, Texas (G): They call him a TRUE point guard! As opposed to a false one.
82. Anthony Booker, Iowa State (F): This guy was a stud out of high school when he landed at Southern Illinois, so don’t give up on him.
83. Kader Tapsoba, Texas Tech (F): Yeah, this is The Kader Tapsoba, the center of some of the Billy Gillispie allegations. The guy can play, though.
84. Philip Jurick, Oklahoma State (C): Had an arrest this summer, but still listed on the OSU roster, so we’re counting him.
85. Dominique Rutledge, West Virginia (F): Play him more, Bob, so we can see this happen more often.
86. Toddrick Gotcher, Texas Tech (G): He might start.
87. Chad Rykhoek, Baylor (F): His AAU team was called “Family First,” so there’s that at least.
88. Landen Lucas, Kansas (C): In four years, I bet this guy will be the next stud in Lawrence.
89. Zach Peters, Kansas (F): Or maybe it’ll be this guy. Probably both.
90. Adrick McKinney, TCU (F): We’re starting to get fatigued on this list. Running out of jokes.
91. Luke Adams, Texas Tech (G): TCU fans made fun of him last year for looking like Justin Bieber, so it’ll be interesting to see whether he cuts his hair.
92. Isaiah Cousins, Oklahoma (G): Another Isaiah.
93. Dejan Kravic, Texas Tech (F): Transferred from a school in Canada, where his team played basketball on an ice rink and then celebrated Thanksgiving in October.
94. Nate Butler Lind, TCU (G): Is Butler part of his first name, last name, or is it just a middle name?
95. Aaron Durley, TCU (C): You wish you were this cool. Same guy, but somebody needs to update the end of that article.
96. Ioannis Papapetrou, Texas (F): Gonna go ahead and guess he’s probably from Greek descent.
97. DeMarcus Holland, Texas (G): Rick Barnes loves his work ethic already, so nice job, frosh.
98. Trency Jackson, Texas Tech (G): Junior college transfer is so tough he’ll run stairs with a stress fracture (too soon?).
99. Marek Soucek, Oklahoma State (C): If he gets on the floor, beware, frontcourts. This guy is tall and he’s from Europe, so that means his fundamentals are probably impeccable.
100. Sherron Dorsey-Walker, Iowa State (G): Congratulations, Mr. 100.